Dreamer

Dear whomever may be reading this or merely glancing at these very words,

I can not tell you how many times I've rewritten this. Not simply the physical act of writing, but in my head---my thoughts rewriting their general composition. But, I finally decided if I want to put my everything into this little space I created I'm not going to run away from being open because that simply means I'm running away from myself. I have a dream---well that is a tad understatement. I have a dream made of dreams. There is a valley of wild daises in my mind and a dream of hearts that takes me out to the very sea. Weather that journey is to the very bottom or to the very tippy top is something I don't dare to think about. These dreams are oh so strange and oh so beautiful. I've never wanted something so bad in my whole entire life---craved it as if it were the air I breathe. . .

My dream is to tell a story. Weather it be my story or others. I want to tell a story with written words, in shy whispers and courageous shouts, tell a story with my body---with my very own soul. My dream is to create something with my very own hands---to breathe something to life. My dream is to transform ideas into a living reality. My dream is to take the breath of others---to aspire to inspire. To show the world the light---a light hidden beneath the darkness. My dream is to plant love everywhere I go---every step or tip-toe I take. My dream is to tread the deepest waters and come out with nothing, but a smile. To show you or anybody for the matter what I'm really made of. My dream is to use every ounce of whatever I've been blessed with from my heavenly father above until there's nothing left but earth and dust. My dream is to breathe in this life until there is nothing left to see, but heaven above. My dream is to surpass these dreams and enter the realm of the unimaginable. 

What's that even mean you ask? I'll tell you. It means I want to become a writer, an actor, a model, a fashion designer, a world traveler, God's warrior, a girl who runs in this life with everything she has until she has no breath, someone who stops to wipe the tears of others---who loves until she has nothing else to give. . .a creator. 

Where am I currently? I've found myself lost along the journey. These are words I thought I would never say, but as of late I've been saying them oh too much and it's driving me a tad insane. I am currently twenty years old. An elementary education major (yes, you do not need to tell me that is on an entire planet on it's own compared to what I previously stated above. I pinky promise I can read). Previously a pre-med major a mere few months ago with an acceptance letter to a nursing university. Top of my class mind you with ambitions to become a pediatrics practitioner. I walked away from this to simply find myself in the opposite field---teaching. As I type this I can't even find the words to explain why I'm here, but not where my heart is begging me to be. 

Anxiety is something I'm oh too familiar with. The reason why I walked away from nursing school because I couldn't get it under control to keep pursuing a field that caused me to get worst instead of better. I get sick often and it didn't make things any easier as I found myself constantly worrying how I was going to ever live life if I spent every single minute I had feeling well studying and attending lecture. More importantly I found myself constantly dreading how my dreams would simply stay dreams if I continued down this path. 

Currently as an education major I'm beginning to find myself at the same dead end and I hesitate to even say those words, because I know with all my heart that is not the case at all even if it feels that way. Maybe you're asking yourself why don't I simply major in the arts? I suppose the simple answer is that I don't want to give up my academics and there are so many days I regret jumping ship on my medical career and there are times I feel like I will swim back. . .

I refuse to give up though! I will keep writing until my hands fall off. I will practice monologues until I go mad. I will read about all my passions until I fill my brain to the very brim. I will continue to dream until it becomes a reality. I will work until wishes become completed ambitions. I have no clue on earth how it will happen and how I will get there, but I have to believe with all my heart, because that is the only way my dreams will come true and one day on this very blog I will be able to tell you all about the unimaginable.

I will not settle for any less.
♥

Don't Worry . . .

(Source: Pinterest)

This might be a tad personal, but I am not afraid to share how I feel because who knows maybe my words will reach one person and show them they are not alone battling the unknown. If my words can do that then I honestly couldn't ask for more. This is a writing piece I've been working on lately which basically sums up how I've felt for these past few months. 

      There are days where I feel like hopping on the back of a motorcycle and fading into the night. To have my hair blow into the wind and turn into feathers as it flutters in the air writing out my desires as they desperately try to catch up with me. I want the crisp breath of cold air to kiss my face, the very life I live to express its love for me. I want to hold on to dear life as the sheer terror runs through me and floats out of my mouth in a shriek of delight melting into laughter leaving me like a wave of relief rolling off my body, like a fresh breath of air suspending into the atmosphere creating what we call the breath of life, the breath of clinging on the very edge. Leaving me completely breathless. I want to be in the palm of God's hands, in the hands of the honest and the righteous. For him to tell me everything will be okay. . .to tell me I'm making the right choice. To show me which way to go. . .because even though my soul is full of all this passion for so many more things I can even count I honestly don't know how to make it all happen. I'm running in countless directions, finding myself not moving at all and moving all too fast at the very same time. I want to turn all my love into a fearless soul, to chase my dreams without looking back, but the very moment I move forward I always find myself right where I started, staring straight into those big fearful and scared eyes in the mirror. 

  

   I WILL become fearless. I AM FEARLESS. I have had the ground and the skies crumble beneath my very feet. I have flown off the edge and God has caught me and graced me with these wings. I will fall, and fall, and FALL until I catch her, until I catch me. I will go in all the wrong directions until I find the right one. All I ask is just dear God do not abandon me, show me the way, the path that isn't before my eyes. Cast all my doubt because I will become fearless till bravery runs through my heart and veins. I will chase these dreams no matter how impossible they seem to be because all is possible with you. Just as long as you are here with me walking all these different paths along my side. 

I know by far this is no "diary", but I also know how many people fear their future or have an ocean of doubt living inside the depths of their soul. Please I beg of you DO NOT SETTLE! I know how scary the future may seem that it is much more comfortable where the familiar and well known is. To have your soul settle there, but your spirit is capable of so much more then you can even imagine. You may not know what the future holds or what's behind each door, but you will never know if you do not try. You are capable of ANYTHING! All you have to do is simply begin. Tiptoe if you must, but at all costs begin. The future is always beginning now.

♥

Sending you the best wishes,

NeverForgotten