The Disappearing Act

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Hello my lovelies~
I've pulled quite the disappearing act haven't I? I've felt like quite the hermit crab these past two months without all of you. Two months. Geese Louise. Where did all the time go? Loves, I wish I could say I took a long vacation on paradise island sipping on tropical smoothies topped with those cute little umbrellas. I swear I've said this very same sentence before and now I'm feeling like quite the slacker, but I swear its far from that actually. Between drowning in school work, 21 credits (21 credits= 7 classes) to be approximate and seeing yet another one of my dreams drift away from  my forever outstretched fingertips it has been quite the rough ride for this little sailor. As many of you know---that is if you remember my name---I have rambled quite a bit on here about me moving away to university. That is no longer the case.

While the university accepted me with "open arms" (Please note those quotation marks were not put there by mistake!) they requested me to do an additional two years worth of classes. They hardly accepted any of my transfer credits claiming that "my institution was not up to par to their academic rigor". It was an absolute joke especially when the classes were the exact same courses give or take the course title may have been worded a bit more eloquently, but if we're solely discussing academic rigor and content here my classes not only are an equal match, but I would beg to differ they surpass what I have seen after making several visits to this university. Not to mention my current professor graduated from their institution and was now teaching me. Maybe this fact is laugh worthy now after being told my professors didn't have the "credentials" to teach. . .well now then if you say so yourself that says quite a bit about their university doesn't it?

I'm top of my class. Never scored less than an A in any course. Highly ambitious. I pour nothing, but my best in everything I do. . .so to be told by a university official maybe through it all I was not the best candidate, that it may not be in my best interest to pursue their university any longer, that the education I have received was a joke---it is an understatement to say it was a mere slap to the face. Please note that I say none of this to brag, but to make my case. It took my everything not to cy in front of this man, but to look him in the eye and tell him I and I alone know what is in my best interest. To be told everything I've worked for---the endless hours I've spent---the very blood and sweat I put in what I do---was nothing---not even that, but something that wouldn't even be acknowledged was nothing short of devastating.

I won't lie I cried the second I felt no careful eyes were watching me---in a vast building. The ceiling towering upwards. The words welcome written in grand letters at the universities entrance now mocking me. I cried once again when the dean of the school called as I made a great big fuss about fighting my case---oh I wasn't going down without a fight. But, after waiting endless weeks I found myself crying once again when I received an e-mail with the universities final decision. I suppose an e-mail made it feel less real, but it didn't take long for the reality of their distant words to sink into my reality.

I had two choices. Go to the university I've dreamed of entering since my highschool days. The catch 22 here was that I was wasting two years re-taking courses I've already taken, but not only that during this time I wouldn't truly be studying what I've always wanted, but yet again pouring my heart into something that I never wanted to begin with. Of course there was another choice. There's always an or isn't there? This or of course was to stay where I am---to continue you my education at home and complete my degree in a year. While this may not sound like the end of the world to many of you it truly hurt me in a way I can't begin to explain. You see I had finally gotten the guts to leave home. Before it really was never an option. I had struggled with anxiety for reasons that I'm not ready to mention and often it feels like I never will, but it truly was my cage. And to finally break free from its cage---or at the very least be brave enough to flutter out---and be thrown right back in for reasons that are out of my control was absolutely heart wrenching. . .

At that time I felt a lot like Sisyphus which I feel like all of us have felt like him at one point of our lives or another. If you are not familiar with the tale of Sisyphus he is a well known figure in Greek mythology and often discussed in philosophy. If you have never heard the tale let me enlighten you as it is an interesting one to say the least. Sisyphus as legend states was a man that defied the gods. He never wanted man to suffer death so instead of following his fate he captured Death and put him in chains. I assure you this is not the part I relate to and if it were I would have quite a bit of questions to answer wouldn't I? Now the next part may seem a bit more relatable. The gods were angered by Sisyphus and they set to punish him so he could pay for his unforbidden defiance. But, instead of killing him, they sentenced him to something much worst than death. Sisyphus for all eternity would be deemed to push a boulder up a steep hill for all eternity. Each night that Sisyphus finally reached the top of the hill the boulder would fall down to the very bottom where he had started. Each day he would push that very boulder to find it fall back down. No matter how hard he pushed. No matter how much strength. No matter his endurance this absurd task ended all the same.

Now you are probably wondering why I've told you such a bitter tale. I promise you by no means will I leave you with such a sour taste in your mouth. I promise you Mr. Sisyphus does have a place in all of this. Allow me to shed some light. I really haven't allowed myself to truly think about any of this until just now and I pray that none of you read this thinking I am bitter because I am far, far, from that actually. I truly am a believer that everything happens for a reason. I as I stated before can only be the one who can decide what is in my best interest. This statement rings true. I have the choice to wallow about this or keep my head held up high and I have chosen the latter. I really have been selling myself short this whole time. There are so many opportunities all around me and to be blind to this would be such a shame. I am still young. There are so many other universities---greater and grander ones and I am now laughing at myself thinking I was going to settle for such a university. A dream may have drifted away, but in its place a more beautiful one was born and I can not be anymore grateful for this. My heart may be filled with uncertainty, but I know God guides me.
It is not about Sisyphus's absurd task of pushing the boulder up the hill---it is not about the absurd task at hand---but instead it is about the thoughts he had while he went down the hill. Maybe the things that happened to him were completely out of his control, but he in deed had control under one thing and that one thing alone changes everything. That very thing is how he thought. We choose our happiness or our sadness. I have chosen and I hope everyone realizes they have this very same power inside of them as well. To choose. I have not given up.
While this post has certainly is long enough and I by no means am not trying to write a novel here, but I have discovered yet another thing while I was away and that is how much I truly have missed all of you. It feels silly saying this, but I open up here more than I have ever opened up to anyone in person. Most of you don't even know my name or have an entire earth's idea who the heck I am, but that don't matter mama just loves you all the same~

Oh my did I just say mama? Oh well it couldn't be helped it just felt like the right thing to say~ I can't wait to get back on the blogging boat and for real this time. There's nothing going to get in my way I swear this time! Triple pinky promises~ Cross my heart and hope to die! Now enough with all this deep philosophy talk---I've definitely got some plans up these sleeves (or should I say straps because holy mama if I wore sleeves up in here I would be a puddle before you could sneeze!) which may or may not involve girly cutesy things that want to make you gouge your eyes out. I also may or may not have a super kawaii review coming up super soon. *wink wink*
Okay, I swear I'll shutup now! Love you lots and see you super soon~
p.s. Okay I know I'm not shutting the up yet, but let me just tell you one thing about those flowers in my hair. Lets just say wearing flowers on your head is no easy task and it took a million zillion shots until the monster on my head a.k.a. my hair decided to listen to me.
Only in a blogger's life~



  1. That's an awesome shot of you and what a rough story, you're not bitter sounding at all, just honest! But I totally agree, things do happen for a reason and this is not a way to excuse myself out of things, but sometimes you don't have control over certain things, whether we like it or not!

    xx - Naomi in Wonderland

    1. Thank you so much, love for your lovely comment <3 Yes, sometimes we might not have control, but it is so very important to carry around a grateful heart no matter the circumstances xxx

  2. This is actually a really amazing post, and you don't sound bitter at al, simply lost and confused as to what to do in life - like most of us really ;) All you can do is follow what feels right, even if things don't go to plan, life isn't a rush - it's about making the most of everyday xxx

    Sam // Samantha Betteridge

    1. Thank you so very much, doll <3 Just gotta follow the heart~ Just like I tell my sisters no matter what the day holds there's adventure just around the corner ;)

  3. Oh man, that is kind of crazy! I'm amazed at how you manage to sound so upbeat throughout the post, although it might be totally fake :P


    1. Not at all, love~ I always stay true to my word! You always have to keep your head up especially in the deepest of waters <3

  4. Your photo is beautiful! And what you've been through sounds awful, I hope that everything goes better from now on. You seem like such a strong person to go through this all! ♥
    Amy xx

    Little Moon Dragon

    1. Thank you so much for the very sweet comment, darling <3 Keeping my head up is all I can do xxx

  5. Your hair looks beautiful! That really is a nightmare situation on so many levels.Even though it's difficult to know what to do you have to trust your gut feeling! I hope everything works out for you.

    Rachael O x


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